If you’re expecting your second child, thoughts of how your older son or daughter will react to the new baby are likely to be uppermost in your mind right now. Whether you’re feeling hopeful or a little anxious about the impending meeting, it’s important to know you’re not alone.
Most (if not all) parents have concerns over how well their child will adapt to the sudden presence of a competitor for their time and attention.
We all know families where the transition from being a single child to an older sibling has gone completely smoothly. However, it’s important not to feel any pressure, as the fact is the vast majority of parents are likely to face some form of challenging behavior from their older child as they get used to the new familial setup.
From a desire to return to nappies in a child who has long been potty-trained to a vengeful stealing of toys, it’s worth being prepared!
Here at The Monkey Mashup, we’ve got your back and understand your concerns. Below we’ve got 5 great tips to help you understand the psychology behind sibling jealousy so that when the time comes to introduce your new baby to their older brother or sister, you’ll feel more confident. But first:
What’s The Psychology Behind Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry (also referred to as sibling jealousy) may begin during your pregnancy but is likely to manifest most obviously once the new baby makes her debut appearance.
In terms of psychology, it stems from a fear in the older child that they’ve not loved as much as their sibling or as much as they were before the baby came along.
It also derives from deep anxiety that their new brother or sister could usurp your attention and love, leaving them uncared for and without your regard.
How Does Sibling Rivalry Show Up?
Your older child’s behavior may change in several ways – some more noticeable than others. Some of the most common symptoms of sibling rivalry include:
- Aggression (physical or verbal) towards yourself, your partner, or the new baby.
- Behaving like a younger child, for example, having ‘accidents’ after being consistently dry for some time, or wanting to drink from a bottle again.
- Difficulties at meal times, such as refusing to eat foods that they formerly enjoyed or displaying disruptive behavior during a meal.
- Mood swings and increased feelings of anger and frustration.
5 Tips To Help Ease Sibling Rivalry
1. Be Mindful During Pregnancy
Sibling rivalry can often develop during pregnancy, so taking steps to mitigate it at this stage is likely to make life easier for everyone once the baby comes.
Simply recognizing that your little one might be experiencing a mix of emotions and uncertainty about the imminent changes – and wondering how they’ll fit into the new family unit – can be incredibly helpful.
Reassure your child how loved they are, and reinforce that the arrival of the new baby won’t change this, as often as you can. It’s a great idea to show your child their own baby photos and videos so they understand that their arrival was equally as special and anticipated.
2. Set Boundaries – and Enforce Them
Once your new bundle of joy arrives, your older child may manifest their fears by displaying aggression, perhaps trying to hit or pinch the baby. While this is hard to see happen, it’s important to recognize that it’s very normal and not to beat yourself up about it or feel like a failure.
Where this is the case, it’s vital to set boundaries and impress on your older kid that it’s not ok to hit or try to hurt. You may need to physically intervene by holding your child’s arm (gently) before they’re able to lash out or place your body between this child and the baby.
While this is happening, let your older child know that you recognize their anger and see them – and that you understand their fears. Always bear in mind the psychology at play behind the actions.
Give your child an alternative to the behavior they’re displaying: suggest that they stamp loudly on the floor a few times to express their upset, and assure them that you acknowledge their feelings. Ask your child to tell you what they need at that moment or what you can do to help them.
3. Reconnect
However difficult the behavior may be, try to create opportunities to reconnect with your older child and enjoy spending time together – we appreciate that this may be easier than it sounds when you’re also juggling the needs of a new baby!
Simply having some uninterrupted cuddle time, enjoying a book together, playing a favorite game, or heading to the park – just the two of you – could make a significant difference to the sibling rivalry being manifested.
After all, the psychology behind acting out is entirely based on a fear of losing your love and regard, so anything you do to reassure them that this will never happen will be helpful. Laughter is a really effective way of dispelling the storm clouds of sibling rivalry and strengthening your bond.
So get silly with your child, and play a fun game of hide and seek, watch a cartoon that always has them creasing up together, or simply have a ‘who can make the funniest face’ competition. Relaxing and enjoying a laugh is a great stress buster, too, and will get those feel-good endorphins flowing for both you and your little one.
4. Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem
You may be amazed at the difference that a simple self-esteem boost can have. It can feel difficult to praise your older child if, not to sugar-coat it, they’re being a nightmare! However, making them feel better about themselves will make them less likely to try to capture your attention by acting in a way that’s not…ideal.
Do this by:
- Looking out for opportunities to bestow praise, even if it’s for something relatively small, like remembering to wash their hands or picking up their toys when asked.
- Displaying their creative work around the house – kids love this.
- Being clear that your love for them is unconditional.
- Modeling positive behaviors: watch out for any negative self-talk you may deploy: you’re worthy of unconditional love, too!
- Make them feel important by (if they’re amenable) asking them to help with the baby’s care, such as by helping you feed the baby their bottle, or tucking them in for a nap.
5. Offer Outlets for Their Feelings
We all know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by our emotions. For a young child, this can be a terrifying experience, and it’s important to recognize this: they’re likely to need help to weather the storm.
As well as validating and sympathizing with their feelings and offering lots of emotional support and hugs, there are some other tools you can give your child which can help them redirect the anger, fear, and frustration they may be feeling.
Teach your child some mindful breathing techniques to help them calm down when needed. This can be tricky for a little one to grasp: ask them to imagine first smelling a flower and then blowing up a balloon to help them get the hang of it.
Counting, too, can provide a distraction and help give kids the headspace needed to regulate their feelings. Ask them to count their blocks, tiles on the ceiling, or anything you can see at the time. You could also create a Calm Down Kit.
This is a great way to help children cope when they feel big emotions, and it can contain items to help them become calmer and feel better. The kit could include things like stickers, a coloring book, fidget toys, and music that your child finds soothing.
Moving Forward As A Family
Dealing with sibling rivalry can be a tough prospect, and it’s likely to be impossible to predict exactly how your older child will react to a new baby brother or sister.
As a parent, remembering that the psychology behind sibling rivalry is a completely normal reaction to what, for your child, is a seismic and possibly frightening shift in their entire world is important to keep things in perspective and figure out the best way to help them.
Just a few small actions or changes can have your little one feeling much better about things and less likely to lash out or display difficult behaviors; or, if they do, this will probably be a relatively short-lived situation.
Looking after a new baby and an older child is exhausting, and taking steps to nurture yourself every day is vital. When we’re tired, it’s even harder to have patience with a child who has taken it upon himself to cover the baby’s head in Vaseline (sadly, I write this from personal experience).
So if you’re tempted to feel guilty about indulging in a long bath instead of having a quick shower, remember how hard you’re working: you deserve this time.
Use the tips above to ensure that your child feels as loved, supported, and secure in your affections as they did before their brand new sibling’s arrival (or imminent arrival). And – as with everything else in parenting – remember that however difficult the behavior is: this too will pass.
